The Pete Seeger tune (really King Solomon written song in the third chapter of Ecclesiastes) started playing in my head moments after I made a decision concerning this blog and concerning writing altogether in this season. It was quite timely.
There is a season for everything including a time to “break down or build up”. In this case, although I was hoping that the time to build up had finally arrived for me, I have come to the realization that it has not. In fact, it is time to break down this blog and my ambitions as a career writer. I am in a place where the demands of my personal life require much of me, making me unable to dedicate myself to this craft as fully as I would want.
Whatever I put my hand to, I want to pursue completely without distraction. I want to do it well, for me. I want to produce work that I can be proud of and stand by. As of late, I have been forcing words-I have lost my flow because I am just so caught up. There have been so many false starts in these almost five years of attempting and it doesn’t take off for the same reason each time. I am not equipped with the gift of multitasking and I do envy those that do. I can only do one thing well at a time. If I try to dabble in too many things, everything suffers and when it came down to the choice of pursuing my dream or setting that aside to attend to my young family. I am choosing my family. I can’t compromise their needs for personal ambition. Am I breaking it down indefinitely? Only time will tell. For now, for my peace of mind and acceptance of what is-I have to walk away. I have to consciously hang up my proverbial cleats, clean out my locker of ideas and head home. I am still 30ngrowing but by the time I would be free to write I may not be. I don’t want to just throw words for the sake of throwing them-there are enough people out there taking up space blabbing about nothing. I’d rather be silent that spread trash or speak of things of little meaning to me. Was the money I used toward securing this piece of internet real estate a waste? No, I would never say it is. Like a gym membership, it’s only as good as the what you put in. An annual fee is not going to get you that Beachbody, working out consistently and maintaining a healthy lifestyle will. Similarly, a blog is not going to write itself. Of the six pieces I actually published over the course of almost two years, I am most proud of this one because it is the most truthful. And if I would have embraced this truth initially I would have been the better for it, I would have spared myself a lot of unnecessary grief and would have lived more presently, but I am still here so I am going to do so now. I still have access to this space until the end of next month I think So I may post of I am inspired but I likely won’t. Actually, let me not even leave the door open for that possibility. Walking away is walking away. And as the seasons turn, turn, turn. I am turning away and investing in what matters most to me now.